Babies

I want a baby. Not in that, "I want someone to love me unconditionally" way, but that I want to be a mother. I want to have a human being that I created with my partner, future husband, my love. I want that love to be combined into making a beautiful human being. I want to have a child as give it all the love I have to offer. To partner up with its father and show it the beauty of the world, but make aware of the evil. I want to give it what I never had. I want to show it to my mother and father and see that happiness in them. I want to be a mother because I know that out of everything I will do in life, that will be the highlight. I know I'll be a great mother.
You want to know why I know? Because I have Respect for my vagina. I'm not the girl who sleeps with a guy just because he called me pretty. I've never been that girl that you'll see at the club or bar or to "experience." That may seem naive of me, but it's never really been a need that I've felt. I've always found love, and that was most important. I know that I wouldn't be fit right now financially to be the mother I imagine I can be. I work in a call center and have an associates degree in general studies. That amounts to nothing. I realize that I need to take care of myself before considering taking care of another human being.
I just know that it's coming soon. That in the near future, once everything is planned out (or nearly there), I'll be a mother. I seriously cannot wait.

Firsts.

In the beginning, I thought you were mine. Adolescents in love.
You were my first everything. We were so young.
As we got older, grew up together, taught each other many things, you were confused.
You lied for years, hiding who you were.
You told me the half truth, but I expected more from you.
And as we went on, my fears grew deeper, my suspicions more clear.
And it seemed everyone knew but me.
You lied through your teeth, promising impossible things. Did you ever think as to how I felt?
So many people! You were unfaithful, so many knew. Not a one told me the truth, saved me the embarrassment.
I treated you with respect, love, kindness.
You betrayed me, scarred me. Now I fear that those after you will now do the same in his own way.
I've forgiven you, put it aside in my heart, because that's not you.
You're the boy with freckles who made me feel pretty so long ago.
I've seen you struggle, hurt, nearly perish.
There's a place reserved for you in my heart. There always will be, because we can never forget the person who loved us first.
You've opened my eyes, helped me grow up, embrace who I am.
After all my hurt, betrayal, anger, and fear, I have one thing left to say:
I'm proud of you, of how far you've come and the person you are.

I Understand.

For all of you before me, I understand.
Why you left, I understand.
For the ones who said he was immature, I understand.
For the ones who couldn't tolerate his family, I understand.
For the ones who cheated because you weren't happy, I understand.
For the ones who lied, I understand.
For the arguments, the excommunication, for the negative comments, I understand.
But just because I understand doesn't mean I'll do the same.
I'm here now.
His "immaturity" is a child like nature that I love and laugh at.
His family is close and tight, and when they love you, you'll never second guess it.
Infidelity is never a solution to unhappiness. We've been through hard times and I didn't know where we stood, and had the opportunity, but he was more important.
Lying only builds a deeper hole and only hurts in the end. All of our secrets are shared.
Arguments with him are endless until you give up, he's so stubborn. But after my time with him, there are hardly any arguments, no negative words, and I never excommunicate the one who has given me so much love all for one fight.
My patience has proved me worthy and long lasting. I have invested my whole heart in someone I've known from the start would treat it with care, knowing the delicacy of such a fragile thing. I've become part of a loving family who hasn't welcomed me with open arms, but has enough faith to forgive me and for that I'll be forever grateful. Through both of our pain, we have found something so much greater than what we expected.
So for all of those before me, I'm sorry for your loss. Because I've found the love of my life.